o&m special: traditions of the throws

date: nearly every saturday and sunday
bet: NONE!
stakes: ZERO!
winner: everyone's a winner in this game
loser: there are no losers, only boozers
destinations:
tipparo's (1540 north clark)
the s&g (3000 north lincoln)
pizza hut (division/ashland/milwaukee or north & western)
cost: depends

mason: when the throws are manifested among two individuals for more than a couple months or so, especially when the throws are mutually monogamous, something inevitably happens. this something--nay, this phenomenon i speak of--varies among participants, but the concept is always the same and can be summed up with a simple three-step progression:

1) throw
2) sleep
3) eat

now in certain cases (including ours), an optional fourth step, coined with equal appropriation and purposefully succinct direction as its sister steps, can be added, but not with the finality of, say, a 'point number 4', but rather with an ambiguity and halfassedness shared by none of its brethren:

2.5) drink

it is not on purpose that i call such obvious attention to step number 2.5, for it is the step on its tail around which the subject of this post revolves, and even more specifically, the traditions that without hesitation or even conscious manifestation take shape with such deep and addicting resolve when said step (step number 3) becomes an inherent follow-up to step number 1. or put a bit more simply and soberly, the eating traditions that form when you date one person exclusively for long enough that it's no big deal that there are two toothbrushes in an apartment occupied by one, or that a straight boy who lives alone has eight different kinds of lotion under his bathroom sink, or that a particular side of another person's bed becomes know as your own.

and so we bring you an o&m first (but certainly not last): a quite deliberate digression from our usual formula of betting and lunching...a foray into two other meals entirely, and two days of the week we usually ignore (at least on the blog). because of the holiday this week and the out-of-town visits it entails, we didn't have time to settle our bet from last week in the way of lunch -- hence the first o&m special. and so i turn to olive now for a review of the eating traditions practiced by this blog's authors on the weekends, away from the secrets of the office and away from the eateries of chicago downtown-proper.

olive: i know what you're thinking. pizza hut is gross. well it is, and it isn't. pizza hut by delivery is indeed kinda gross. i mean, you could do so much better. but pizza hut in house (or in hut, as it were) is quite the opposite of gross. delicious, in fact. many a saturday, mason and i wake up wanting to gather 'round the good stuff, and it's off to pizza hut we go. but there are two challenges in dining at pizza hut. one, the pizza hut location you attend is crucial. we have found that pizza hut at western and north is far superior to that at division and ashland. second, pizza hut doesn't open until 11am, so if you share mason's and my problem of waking at first light, you may need a pre-hut snack to tide you over until opening hours.

so when we go, we order the dinner for two. this provides us with a trip to the salad bar, two giant pops (i.e. sodas) and a pan pizza with tomatoes, green peppers, pepperoni and extra cheese. we also order a side of cheesy breadsticks which we will dip in a selection of dressings from the salad bar. i think the reason pizza hut is so good at the restaurant is the temperature at which it is served - hot and steamy. we have also learned through trial and error, that if you order multiple toppings on your pie, you should ask for extra cheese. otherwise, you'll be disappointed.

next!

there is one place in this city (at least that we are aware) that offers anything you could ever want on its menu, made from fresh ingredients, reasonably priced and served by the friendliest staff of all time. the always-tasty s & g (aka sam and george's). this place is especially delicious after a night of the kind of drinking that results in a particularly commanding morning-after stomach, something mason is a bit more familiar with than me...

mason: holy mother of overeating, this place is great. and it's especially great when you wake up three hours before the public is allowed to gather 'round the good stuff. it's a bit of a drive from my or olive's apartment, but well worth it. there's always ample parking and the service is so fast and courteous that the entire breakfast lifecycle at the s&g (often called by olive and/or mason, affectionately, the syril and galapagos) is probably equivalent to that of any restaurant within a few seconds of your waking-up point.

so let me walk you through an average o&m trip to the s&g in tom robbins circa half asleep in frog pajamas-style. you arrive and are immediately ushered to a table that fits exactly the number of the people that you have in your party (it's amazing how they just happen to have a table for 13 when you need one). the bus boy for your section arrives seconds after you're seated with a huge carafe of water and glasses for each table-dweller (infrequent h2o refills are NOT an issue here). if you want coffee, it is served up immediately as well (you're usually more into hot chocolate). soon after the bus boy's departure, an extremely greek waitress with the perfect amount of friendliness for a hungover saturday/sunday morning arrives to take your order. given your familiarity with the menu, you already know what you want. you consider getting something you've never had before, but usually revert back to one of the three things you know will hit the spot with the fervor of a liger. for me, it's either a) the turkey club, b) the cheeseburger delux, or c) the spinach and cheddar omelet.

olive: for me, it's a) the tuna croissant, b) the avocado blt, or c) the spinach and feta omeletoid.

mason: now here's the important part (and the end of my second-person experiment). options a and b are always accompanied by fries, pickle and coleslaw and are ALWAYS preceded by a bowl of soup, usually chicken rice. option c is always accompanied by hash browns and some sort of toaster-happy side item (english muffin for me, wheat toast for olive) and ALWAYS preceded by a pancake appetizer. that's right, i said a pancake appetizer. that's three pancakes, served before breakfast, as an appetizer (you should have seen the look on our usual waitress' face the first time we did this -- she was quite equally confounded and impressed). is a pancake appetizer excessive? maybe. but is it also delicious? definitely. just ask olive.

olive: i whole-heartedly agree. i can't believe in a country of over-eating and over-ordering, that a pancake appetizer hasn't become the breakfast norm. the amazing thing about s & g is that the items featured on the menu altogether must require hundreds of different ingredients, and they are all available fresh in their kitchen. you won't find any canned fruits or veggies in there. also, if you order a soda, they often, without being asked, bring you a mini jug of your fizzy friend for your own refill administering.

i think mason will agree that we could go on and on (and on) about the s & g, but for the purposes of keeping this post only somewhat excessively long, we should probably move on to tiparro's.

sunday nights are for ordering thai and watching tivo'd tv (usually the office, family guy and curb your enthusiasm). classic t's and s (thai, tv and sunday). there are a number of perfectly lovely items on tiparro's menu, but only one for me and mason. number five: pepper garlic chicken, extra cucumbers, extra sauce. throw in a couple orders of small rice, please bring us extra hot sauce, and by the way we have a coupon for free potstickers or crab rangoon. we take extra care in preparing and mixing the chicken with rice and sauces and it is almost always super tasty, though once in a while we'll get a delivery that has..ah hem...turned. either the chicken doesn't seem that fresh or the order arrives on the chilly side. but overall, i'd put tiparro's in the 87th percentile, plus a few extra points for knowing our order by heart.

mason: and so we come to the end of the first ever o&m special. we wish you all very happy eating this thursday and very happy other things the wednesday before and friday after (i think you know what i'm talking about). we bid you farewell until next week when we take a look at what might be the most controversial bet in all of olive and mason history, not because of its subject matter, but because of the outcome. until then...